Trigger warnings: references to self-harm, depression
Self-harm in adolescents and young people is a lot more prominent than we might think. But even when we suspect that our friend or sibling might be hurting themselves, we often don't know what to say or how to help. That's why I have talked to a brave young woman (she will be called Sophie here, which isn't her real name) who used to engage in various acts of self-harm when she was a teenager.
Chiara: "Do you remember how the self-harming started for you?"
Sophie: "I was 14 and I was in a really dark place. My first boyfriend had just broken up with me and I felt like I was undeserving of love. I hated myself for what happened, I thought it was all my fault. And I felt like no one loved me. So I basically wanted to punish myself for the bad things that happened to me. But I also felt very numb because of my depression. Everything around me felt like I was in a dream. I don't actually remember much from that time because everything was kinda blurry.
My life was so monotone, my depression so overwhelming, that it kinda wrapped itself around me. I couldn't really feel anything anymore, not even sad, really. Everything seemed so far away and so surreal. And I guess cutting myself brought me back into the here-and-now. The pain and the blood let me feel and see that I was still alive. That I wasn't in a dream, but that I was actually still there."
C: "How did people close to you react when they noticed that you were self-harming?"
S: "I'm not really sure if they truly knew. I don't think my family knew about it because I always hid it very well. I hid my depression and I also was very careful to hide my scars and the pain I was in, both mentally and physically.
But some of my close friends noticed it. I guess I also wanted them to notice because I think deep down I knew that I needed help, which I neveer got by the way. So my friends just asked me what happened when they saw the plasters on my arm one day in PE. I said that I just had some blood taken. Even then I could see that they didn't believe me, I mean it was pretty obvious that I was cutting at that point. But they never asked again. I think they just didn't know how to react or what to do."
C: "So what would you have wanted your friends to do?"
S: "That's really hard to say. I think the most important thing is not to ignore it. Because that kinda strengthened my belief that I wasn't deserving of love or care. I think the best and most helpful thing would have been if they had just said 'Can you show me your arm please, I have a feeling that you might be hurting yourself.' That way they would have shown me that they care and that I am important to them. That's a really big factor! I may have reacted snappy, knowing how I was then, but it would have helped a lot. I think the fact that everyone looked away and ignored my self-harming was the biggest reason I kept doing it for so long."
C: "What are your main tips to young people who suspect that their loved one is self-harming? How can they best support them?"
S: "First of all, it's really important to ask! Just ask straight if they are hurting themselves. I know that's a really hard thing to ask someone, but it's the first and most important step to helping your friend and to them seeking help!
If they say "yes" or "maybe" or just don't respond, that means they ARE self-harming. Then, you need to stay by their side and listen. And if they don't talk, ask more questions like "How are you?", "How can I help you?". Sometimes it may help to ask in writing. Texting is often a much easier way to honestly express what we are feeling. So if your friend doesn't want to talk about it, offer to discuss it in text messages. I did that back in the day with a really good friend and it really helped me. And even if we push you away initially, if you keep asking and keep listening, we will be forever grateful to you!
A lot of the time you can't do more than just be there for the person who is self-harming. I think the most important thing is really not to ignore it! To question, to listen, to give them a hug, to check up on them, to help them find (professional) help and support."
Sometimes it's not easy to recognise self-harm in young people. Many are very good at hiding their emotional and physical pain. That's because there is still a lot of stigma surrounding self-harm, so they feel ashamed for injuring themselves. But people who hurt themselves are in no ways weak! Quite the contrary, actually. They choose to feel pain and to live through that. You can never know what others are living through. But if you notice that a loved one is getting quieter, is suddenly wearing more long-sleeved tops, or avoids social get-togethers, it can be a sign that they are struggling with mental health and they might be engaging in self-harm. Like Sophie said: if you think this might be the case - ASK! Don't be afraid to be pushed away. In the end if someone is self-harming, they will be thankful for someone to pay attention to them. To show that they are loved. They may push you away in that moment. But they will thank you in the end.
*Supporting someone who is struggling with mental health can be really hard. Make sure to also look after yourself!*
Support Lines UK:
Young Minds Crisis Support: https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/get-urgent-help/youngminds-crisis-messenger/
ChildLine: call 0800 1111
Harmless: http://www.harmless.org.uk/
Support Lines Germany:
Fighting Depression Online (FIDEO): 0800 - 1110111
Kinder- u. Jugendtelefon: 116 111
Rote Linien Telefonseelsorge: 0800 111 0 111
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