Being a university student is hard and can put a lot of pressure on you. I have always prepared super well for exams, written at least 10 drafts for every assignment, making sure all formatting is right at all times. Yet, I often feel like what I'm doing isn't good enough. That I am not good enough. It is difficult trying to please everyone - your parents, your lecturers, your supervisors, your partner, and (most importantly) yourself!
Even before I started university, I knew that I wanted to become a clinical psychologist. I wanted to help children and adolescents who are struggling with mental health. But in all these years I have been ignoring my own feelings, my own struggles. I had been ignoring myself. I had been so focused on getting those grades and making everyone happy by pursuing a plan that seemed so great on paper and so inspiring, that I have lost track of me.
I have been struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, and impostor syndrome for years. That basically means: no matter what I do, I always feel like I am not reaching a certain standard that I feel I should. And that makes me very anxious. Despite sleepless nights, sweats, and shaking, I've never had the courage to look at myself in the mirror and to admit my struggles to myself. A few weeks ago I had another mental breakdown, causing me to doubt myself, my future, and my work. And I realised that a job as clinical psychologist probably wasn't the most suitable job for me. At least not in the near future. This realisation hit me hard and I am still trying to wrap my head around it. I guess some part of me knows that I don't have to do one thing just because that was the plan. And somewhere in my head I probably know that I don't have to be perfect. But deep down I still think I should be. That I should be perfect and that being 'good enough' is just not good enough.
Luckily for me, a dear friend told me that I was great the way I was. Another friend told me that I was the smartest person he'd ever met. And my lecturers keep telling me that I have a bright future ahead of me - no matter where it leads me. I've started to feel a little more okay with this new idea. With the idea of opening up, letting myself and the world see what's going on inside me and the idea that there is time to figure out what I want in life.
If you are, like me, a perfectionist even just on some level, please know that you are so much better than you think! Ask someone you trust and I am sure they'll tell you that you are amazing in so many ways! Just because you can't see how perfect you are, doesn't mean you're not! #loveyourself